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October 21, 2016

I was afraid to go to sleep last night, knowing that my dreams were going to be heavy.  I knew this because dear friends are now walking this road of loss too.

I dreamed this morning that I was walking along my street, with a friend (not the same friend), barefoot. She asked me why barefoot.  I told her it was a physical representation of my grief.  People could see and relate to the pain of being barefooted.

Then I woke up.

There were feelings still, remnants of the dream.  How my feet were sore and how my Love’s flip-flops that hurt his feet were at his work.  Her presence made me happy.

I wish no one ever had to walk this road.  I wish I could take their pain away.

When I don’t know what to say to my kids, or how to talk to my kids about things I start asking them questions.  I started with Curly because this lovely girl, Bea, tutored him.  I asked what he remembered about Bea.  Did he like his time with her?  Why did he like his time with her?

By that point he became suspicious and asked about the questions. His broken heart shows through his eyes.  His big, beautiful eyes.  And the sorrow was obvious.  I could see all his pain and loss brought back to the forefront.  ‘Bea has siblings, you know.  What would you tell them?’

“When ever you start feeling more sad and can’t really understand your emotions, try not to take it out on anyone else, or get a hug. That helps.”  Poor boy.

Grief hurts.  It hurts everywhere.  In my dream I was showing my grief and the pain my grief caused. Every single step hurts during grief.  And I don’t just mean figuratively.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to breath

Knowing that my friends are going through this pain is unbearable.  I remember thinking that so many people were unaffected.  That they were going on with their lives and had no idea that my world was falling apart.  I feel like I shouldn’t be going on about my daily life. Not with their world is falling apart.

God has not abandoned them.  And I know that they know this.

But I still wish I could make it better for them.





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