Skip to content

Things I Learned

June 10, 2016

I tried doing the #mayweallheal this year.  I found it really hard.  Not because the prompts were difficult (they weren’t), not because talking about Gift’s death is hard (it’s not hard).  But because I don’t feel like they apply to me.  That somehow I am ‘broken’ and don’t fit the mold of a bereaved parent.

I don’t.  No one does.  Each of us are on our own path.  And for me that means that I decided that I was going to navigate my own path.  That I needed to follow my heart and God’s direction on this.

In the beginning people gave me things that they thought would be helpful, CDs, pamphlets, ‘guidance’.  I didn’t read them.  I put them aside and waited.  Slowly, very slowly at times, stumbled through until I started to feel different.  Like this loss, as horrible as it still is, isn’t the end of me.

I still love the same things.  I still feel deeply.  I still miss Gift daily.

But is healing the right word?  What about adapting?  Or continuing?  What about living?  When bad things happen we have to choose which direction we go.  I want to live fully.  I refuse to be held back by something I had no control over.  I want to hold two places at one time:  bereaved parent living life to the fullest.  No regrets.

Devastation CAN cause growth, but only if you allow God to shape it.  I’m not saying that you won’t feel like you can’t move forward.  Sometimes staying where you are is what you are supposed to do for the time being.  I’m not saying that you have to be accountable for your pain, the pain is real and needs to be explored.  But don’t allow that to be what shapes you.  I still live with regrets, but instead of them being the focus, they are the catalyst for change.  God is the one who will guide you, please let Him.

I am not the typical bereaved parent.  I don’t know if there is such a thing.  I just want to be more than that.

No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: