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At The Beginning…

May 1, 2016

I had to decide.

We were in the hospital, waiting. Waiting to hear if all the work my neighbour and I had done was enough. We were put in a private room, with a hospital social worker. While I already knew things were very bad I sat on the couch.

Time stood still.

I pleaded with God. ‘Oh please God, please, not my boy.’

Life isn’t supposed to be like this. When God designed the world He didn’t design death. Death happened because of sin… without it we cannot be in His presence.

But, there, in the hospital, knowing that Gift’s time with me was probably coming to an end, I prayed. No asked. I asked that whatever we were going to face that I face it with grace, dignity and with bring glory to God at every opportunity. I didn’t pray this because I wanted to be a bereaved parent. I prayed this because I knew that without God’s help I would fall apart completely.

I had to decide which me was going to face this tragedy. Was I going to be that mom who wore death like a weight, or was I going to allow God to clothe me in grace and beauty during the worst time of my life.

I don’t know that I did it well. But I tried to. I didn’t want people to be sad around us when God is bigger than death.

At the beginning of any path one has to decide which way to go. What attitude to have about the path (adventurous, sullen, disappointed, joyous or a combination of all of the emotions). I didn’t have a choice in the adventure as Gift was dead. But I didn’t feel lost. Instead, I felt God’s hands behind my back, encouraging me forward. “Don’t become stagnant”, and “Keep moving forward” was what I heard from God.

At the beginning I had to decide what I was going to hold onto; grief, or God.

I will continue to choose God. No matter where on the journey through life, the beginning IS God. Because in the end, I want my actions to reflect my faith. And when this life ends, I will be beginning eternity with the Creator.

Revelation 22:13

I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

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