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New Path

August 11, 2015

While at the cottage my Love and I had some time alone.  It was so serene!  We were able to talk in ways that we haven’t been able to because of general busy-ness.

I was enjoying the green everywhere, the fresh air and the quiet I rarely experience.  My Love says to me: ‘I wish I was at work.’

AT WORK!!!

Life is a distraction from all this pain.

He is (or was) struggling with the path he was on and the path we are on now.  We didn’t choose this new path, our other path was ripped from us.  We could fight it.  Search for our old path.  But we would be completely miserable!  Because it isn’t our path any more.  I met a mom like that:  her adult daughter died and this mother CANNOT move forward.  She is still trying to get back on to a path that has ended.  She has not accepted that this is her life now.  No one wants to accept that their child is gone, but think about it like this:  If I lost my foot, yet denied that I had I would find every movement difficult. Eventually I would have to relearn how to walk. Or aerobatics, as it were.   If I lost my arm, I would have to relearn how to put my hair up. I would have to accept my new life and learn how to live it. None of this would surprise people.  But learning how to live again after a child dies is just as difficult.  And people don’t understand it because I ‘only’ lost a part of me that people can’t see.

I metaphorically lost a limb, they literally lost limbs.  On each of our paths there are trials and struggles, but there is also beauty.  And such beauty keeps me moving forward searching for more beauty.  It is everywhere!

The hardest part for me is that I can still see my old path from where I am right now.  I watch Gift’s friends hit milestones that he will never experience.  If I tried to witness these experiences from my pre-death path it would be incapacitating.  But from my new path I see them with mixed joy and sadness.  It doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t traverse into the overgrown areas of my old path.  Sometimes I like to wallow there, but it is so dark and painful there.  I want to be in the Light.  I didn’t ask for this new path, no one ever does!  But I ask for God to guide me to follow it with grace.

What do you do if you just can’t find good anywhere?  Talk to someone!  To your doctor, pastor or friend.  None of us are alone, we just feel like we are.  Distractions will eventually not be enough to numb the pain.  The new path isn’t bad, it is just new.  Oscar Wilde wrote in The Portrait of Dorian Gray: “Some things are more precious because they don’t last long”.  Life is too short to not find every day precious.  Every moment, even the mundane, is beautiful.

The more I identify with this new path, the more I accept it, the easier it is to talk about things.  About Gift.  About grief.  The more I find joy.  The less I fight with my loss.  My Love and I are still together, walking on this new path.  Together, finally.

(If you want to be inspired go to Erin’s Facebook page, she has videos of her working out how do to what she loves with her new legs:  Erin Ball.  Thank you, Erin, for letting me share your videos!)

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