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It Is Well With My Soul

March 12, 2015

I thought as we sang Horatio Spafford’s epic glorifying song “It Is Well With My Soul”.  It is, in fact, ‘well with my soul’, just not my heart.

There have been so many disappointments and tragedies in the past few years that it feels overwhelming.  Most recently we were selected for a prestigious posting outside of the country.  After doing all the required screening, and being approved here, our file was sent to Ottawa.  Where it was reviewed and we were told we couldn’t go.  Because we had sought bereavement counselling for us and our remaining children.  Because the kids hadn’t ‘completed’ their portion more than 6 months ago.  Someone who never even spoke to us decided that.

We really thought that this was God’s direction for us to move.  Now it is just another notch of utter confusion and disappointment.

What does one do when their soul is fine, but their heart is not?

I do not doubt that God is perfect.  Nor do I doubt that He is directing my path.  I struggle with feeling lost and unsure of where I am supposed to be.  I struggle with feeling hope in my life.  I am scared to be hopeful for anything because I don’t want to be hurt any more.

God’s plan is unknown to me, and I find His direction full of excitement.  Yet, I am unable to ask God to tell me where it is that He is taking me.  Each time I ask that question I have more loss in my life.  I don’t think I can handle much more loss, and because of that I am becoming guarded.  I don’t want barriers to form in my heart towards God.  But I am growing leery of asking for guidance.

My faith in God hasn’t changed, how I am living it out hasn’t changed.  Nor do I doubt God’s goodness.  But how I interact with God has changed dramatically.

I imagine this is how Lucy from The Chronicles of Narnia before she encounters Aslan; scared to meet a lion who isn’t ‘tame’.  But I have encounter God, and He is much scarier than an untamed lion because He controls everything.  He set the universe, seen and unseen, in its place.  A lion is just another of God’s creations.  This God, this everlasting God, knows better than I do.

That is where I rest right now.  When life feels completely out of control, I know that God is still in control of it all.  Really, that is all I need to know.

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