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Where did November go!?

November 25, 2014

On Hallowe’en I got an email from my Love, who was away, saying that we are being posted this year.  But not to where we expected.  So there has been a lot of paper work.  A lot of appointments.  And so many more to come.

The kids are a bag of mixed emotions.  I’m a bag of mixed emotions. But I feel ready to leave this house.  I feel ready to leave behind the weight this house has around my body.

So, since November 1st, we have been frantically getting everything together to be approved for a posting that we never would have thought of before.  Well, that might not be entirely true.  I would have loved this posting before Gift dying and I will love it now.  It was just that rough first year.

In trying to make things easier to sell we have been purging as much as we can.  Which has meant that it is easier to do fun things because we don’t have as many distractions in the house.  Which translated into painting with watercolours today.

DSCF5096

This picture is by Curly.  He said that it is how he sees the world.  In his picture we are at our last house on base and he is playing with Gift by the tree in our back yard with the tree swing.  They are chasing a squirrel up the tree.  Curly has an open wound that people have a hard time seeing.  It affects him every day.  Some days it is easier for him, but most are not.  I have difficulties with this because I wish I didn’t have to explain to the world why he gets so frustrated for apparently no reason.  There are many days that I wish people would remember that he hasn’t moved on yet.  That everyone else may be ‘over’ Gift’s death, but this little boy isn’t.  I don’t know if he will ever be able to reconcile how much he misses his older brother.  Or if he will be able to miss his brother without being hostile to his loss.

DSCF5097

Cupcake painted this.  I just wet the page and gave her two colours to work with.  She had a lot of fun.  It was nice for Curly and Cupcake to get some time to do work with each other.  (Sweetness was cutting out pictures from a magazine for a collage.)

Each day presents challenges.  But never solitary challenges.  They are coupled with loss.  So, getting kids to clean their bedroom is a singular challenge that gets exasperated by their loss.  Their hunger isn’t just hungry.  There is constant loss.

Soon after Gift died my Love and I went to listen to a band play.  The one singer said about how she had recently had a baby and since then it was like death followed her everywhere.   Her greatest fear would be that her baby would die.  It is true.  It is most parents worst nightmare.  I am living it.  But not alone.  I have other children who are also living their worst nightmare.  Only before Gift dying they wouldnt have known.  And now they are living it.

A painful reminder of what is missing daily.  And they are children!!  They aren’t always capable at explaining why they are feeling hurt or hostile or frustrated.  I have to help them navigate this horror while living it myself.

So while we move into the Christmas season, I will be packing and staging a house.  But it will be a metaphor for my children’s hearts.  I hope that I will be gentle and able to help them unpack into a new space with less hurts and more hopes for the adventure God is sending us on.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Chanell permalink
    December 14, 2014 4:47 pm

    You and your children have resilient and brave spirits. It is amazing how work God’s help, people can rise up to survive the unthinkable. Death cannot separate us from the ones we love, nothing can. I pray God stays close to your family and brings you healing, peace, and joy.

    • December 14, 2014 7:02 pm

      We feel pretty separated from him here. But we know that he will greet us when we die too.

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