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An anniversary no on wants to celebrate.

September 11, 2014

There are things I will never forget.  Some of which I wish I could.  On the other hand there are many things I cannot recall, no matter how hard I try.

I remember how it felt to have the 50 staples I had closing my cesarean surgery scar with Gift removed, and how the new scar felt as it slowly stretched out.  But I cannot for the life of me remember meeting him for the first time.  What I do remember about that encounter is that I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t let me hold him.  At the time I couldn’t understand, I can more so now… now that I am not hopped up on morphine.  I do remember getting to see him for the first time; this baby, giant compared to the rest of the babies in the NICU.

I remember how it felt to have PPD so severe that I couldn’t get dressed most days.  I also remember how it felt to conquer it and feel so in love with my sweet Gift.

I remember him laughing at the TV for the first time.  John Lithgow was singing ‘She’ll Be Coming ‘Round the Mountain’.  Huge belly laughs.  I don’t remember getting him in trouble for the first time, thankfully.

How Gift smelled.  I cannot recall it.  No matter how hard I try.  For a while his stuffed dog, Fletcher, that he had slept with from the time he could hold something in bed, smelled like him.  It doesn’t now.  But, I can easily recall how his hair felt. It was so very thick.

I will never be able to forget how he looked when I found him.  His eyes without his bright spark.  But for the life of me I cannot remember what he was for Hallowe’en or what we got him for Christmas, or his birthday.  Or what he was even wearing that day.  (I still haven’t worn the shirt I wore that day.  I don’t know if I ever will.)

I will never forget  how much my heart hurt for Cupcake the night of Gift’s wake.  All she wanted was for him, her best friend and the first person whose name she said (Dee-doe), to get her away from all the people who were annoying her.  She kept trying to climb out of my arms and into his open casket.  I had to have a friend take her home.  But I cannot give her memories of him.  I wish I could.  I wish I could transplant memories for her.

Doing CPR stinks.  And not figuratively.  When you do CPR on a person you are running their body for them, and when the air that you put into their body comes out it makes a distinct sound and releases smells.  I could smell nothing but that for weeks in the room where Gift died.  I can recall it with sickening clarity.  But I have absolutely no memory of the ambulance showing up.  I don’t remember hearing the sirens.  I remember all the other sirens after I went down stairs.  All the police and fire trucks. So many of them crowding the street.  

I thought you could never forget how to breathe.  I forgot.  I had to remind myself several times to bring air into my lungs and then to expel it.  

I could not tell you how long we were at the hospital for before they told us that they couldn’t do any more to save Gift.  I have no idea how much longer we were there for after either.  What I do remember is walking out of the hospital and thinking how beautiful the night was.  How the air smelled and the sky looked.  And how shockingly at peace I was.  I KNEW that God was going to give me the strength to get through everything.  

I have not once felt abandoned by Him.  I am thankful for the answer to my prayer that I prayed silently in the hospital when we were still waiting for information about my boy.  I prayed that no matter the outcome that I faced it with grace and dignity.  God has not forgotten me.  

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Lora permalink
    September 16, 2014 12:30 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss

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