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51 weeks

September 4, 2014

In one week I will be hitting a milestone I never wanted.  Some days I wonder if people remember the date.  I know I can’t tell you the exact day that my grandfather died, or grandmother.  My mom can.  I haven’t had friends die since I was in my teens, and even then I wasn’t told the exact day they died.  With my new found knowledge, though, I can guarantee that those mothers remember.  Probably with vivid detail.

I wonder if my friends are unsure of what to say.  I hate that.  Mainly because I don’t know what I would want to hear.

I was told last November that although the first year is hard the second year may be harder.  I am so glad that someone was honest with me.  I think before I would have thought that the one year marker would mean that I was getting stronger, better, more able to cope.  Now with this knowledge I have a bit more grace for my failings because of my grief.  I don’t feel like I have to have it all together ‘by now’.  I have space for grace for myself.  (Even if my crisis counsellor tells me that I am terrible at taking care of myself.)

So nest Thursday we have no plans.  We are thinking of things but nothing feels right.  How does one celebrate the day that your life changed for worse?  I know if Gift were here he would laugh and suggest a Death Day party like in the Harry Potter books.

Just that thought alone brings a huge smile to my face and tears to my eyes.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 4, 2014 4:47 pm

    I am only 8 months in and I do not know how I can make it to a year. I pray the second year is not harder on any of us. although I do not think it matter whether it is one week, one year, 5 years or 38. We will always hurt and always feel this pain. I will say prayers for you to get through it and all the other days.

    • September 4, 2014 6:18 pm

      I think it is just different. We learn how to cope in public better. We breath easier. I think the comment came from the fact that most of us had a belief that after a year everything would be ok. I know I thought that a 52 weeks ago. I thought that one year was a good amount of time to grieve, then move on. But as our reality has it, life will never be ok again. We will get better at feeling good and joyful. But our sons are no longer with us. And now we are on our life journey without them and it will never be the same.

  2. Lora permalink
    September 7, 2014 7:55 pm

    On the anniversary of my uncles death, my cousin buys balloons and let’s them float off in the sky. I thought that was a nice way to honor his memory. I lost both my parents. It’s been 11 years for my Mom and 9 for Dad. I know it’s not the same. You expect to bury your parents some day, it’s something that’s inevitable. But, to say goodbye to your child, I can’t even fathom it.

    I admire your strength and I hope this coming year is kind to you, and filled with memories of your beloved son.

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