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August 19, 2014

Last Monday was, by far, the best day my Love and I have had in almost a year.  On August 11th, 11 months after our dear Gift died, we found out that God had answered our prayers and we were going to have another baby.

For four wonderful days I saw pure joy is my Love’s eyes.

We lost the baby on the weekend.  And that look in his eyes?  I may never see it again.  I don’t know how much hurt a person can take without their spirit breaking.  But we are definitely close with him.

It is hard on me to watch him hurt.  He seems to be doing well, but I know that it is just a front.  ‘Fake it until you make it’, sort of thing.

Then the cyclic debate begins in my head.  Since God is in control of life and death, and He only gives perfect gifts, then can I really be mad at Him?  Probably not about this miscarriage.  But I am.  I am mad that He gave us this little bit of hope and then ripped it out of my body.

And you know what?  Miscarriages are exhausting!  Both physically and emotionally.  So I am trying to be on top of everything while being completely drained.  Explaining that to people who have never experienced it is just too much right now.  Because talking about miscarriage has changed.

In all of this my belief that God is good hasn’t changed.

He is Good.

And when it is His time, we will welcome another child into our home.  Just with more caution during the pregnancy.


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