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June 13, 2014

When Gift died we had the painful duty to write the Obituary for him.

We sat around the basement table with the funeral director, my mother and step father, my mother in law, the regiment’s Padre, our church elder, our friend who was performing the funeral (who is the pastor of my mother’s church) and… i think at least 5 other people.  I dont even know any more.  But that isnt relevant to what I am about to share.

As we were trying to work out the Obituary we got to the part where Gift had ‘gone home to be with the Lord’  and someone said  ‘too soon’.  I said, firmly, that no, it wasnt too soon. That God’s timing is always perfect.  Even when we arent ready.  Especially when we arent ready.

When I was pregnant with Gift I spotted.  At the emergency room they had me sit in a room all by myself, scared that I was going to lose this baby I was carrying.  I prayed.  Hard.  And as I prayed my prayers went from ‘please God, not this one too’ to ‘please God, help me to accept your will’.  I prayed that if God could foresee a time that this baby wasnt following Him that I would rather lose the baby that day then lose the baby later and not know if he would be with God.  After I prayed that I felt such peace.  No matter what happened God was in control and no amount of me stressing was going to change that.  I learned for the first time (but not the last) that Matt 6:34 (Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own) was hard to argue with.

I believe in an interventionist God.  I believe that He is completely divine and that He has no need of me.  But like any marriage that has produced children, the love between my Love and I brings us to desire to share that love and brought forth a desire for children.  It is no different with God.  This Triune God desires my love.  And I give it to him freely.  I trust that He is a good parent because God is Love.

Now I pray for more peace, not just for me and my family, but a peace that I can extend out to others.

I am not ok with Gift not being with me.  But I am thrilled he is with His maker.  (psalm 139  …

‘O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. your eyes saw my unformed body.All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’ (emphases mine))

We sing a song at church called ‘He Will Come’ and I cant sing it without crying because of this verse:

“And the music in her mind when she gets older
Has the lyrics she was taught
And when she gets to heaven all the right things will be said
And He will look on her with favour…”

My Gift is where no one can ever hurt him again.  Where all the things that I said to him that hurt him are forgotten and, like it says, all the right things will be said by his Maker!  All the praise I could give Gift is nothing compared to that!  How could I want to bring him back here when he is there?!  That doesn’t mean I am happy that Gift died, but that I wouldnt bring him back from paradise.  

My timing stinks.  But God’s is perfect.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 21, 2014 5:41 am

    I totally agree with you. So many people are surprised that I can believe this. So many people want to remain angry or bitter about their loss. There is another way. It’s not easy but it’s God’s way. (I’d love you to guest on my blog, in my comfort zone, about an aspect of your grief. Would be great to hear your thoughts on a new baby after Gift. What do you think?) Kelly x

    • June 22, 2014 3:03 pm

      I would love to. We will have to connect and hash out the details. My ‘new’ baby is 2 now. Gift and Cupcake were best friends before he died.

      • June 22, 2014 3:59 pm

        Thank you so much! I’ve suggested one based on not being so protective. That’s a great insight!
        So very sorry I got the age order wrong. I’m so glad Gift was close to Cupcake xx

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