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You there!

January 28, 2014

You there!

In early November I came down the stairs to the kids playing in the basement and my Love in the kitchen. I was sobbing. That gut wrenching, ugly crying. I said that I wish we had never had children.

I never knew how horrible it was going to be to have children. I wish I had known how hard and painful it would have been. And if I had known, I dont know that I would have done it. This is the most frustrating, exhausting, demanding job imaginable. Why didnt I listen!?! Why didnt people tell me that having kids would ruin my life?!

Here’s the thing: having kids DOES ruin your life. Completely. Now life isnt about your own comfort, your likes or dislikes or even your own sleep routine. It is forevermore about your child (or children if you are crazy enough to have more than one).

I was broken before I had kids. I am more broken now that I have had them. But not beyond repair.

Before anyone things that i ‘accidentally’ had children that is very far from the truth. Gift was very planned. I struggle with infertility. Getting pregnant with Gift was a miracle.

Then having a child, any child, die changes everything. There is nothing that I look at the same.

If now me could go back and tell 22 year old me what was going to happen, that Gift would be ripped from my body, that he would struggle with a learning disability, that I would be helpless sitting beside his empty body holding his cold hand I would say this:

You there! Stop! Before you go into this whole parenting thing know that your heart will forever be beating outside your body. But when his heart stops, yours wont. It will be beating in pieces. Take this road anyway. God will guide you and He will hold the broken pieces of your heart together.

It will be worth it.

You are broken, and your life is ruined. But GOD is bigger and better. He will fix all that is broken and He will take the ruins and make a temple. It will be ok.

(linking up here)

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