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November 12, 2013

I don’t know what God was thinking when He gave you to me.  I was terrified that He didn’t know what He was doing.  I feared that because of my failings I would fail you.  But at some point I gave that all over to God.  I trusted that where I was lacking that God would fill the gap.  And He did.  In profoundly gracious ways.  

I don’t know why God decided to make me your mom.  But right from the moment I knew you were coming, I have been humbled and full of gratitude.  Every moment.  Even the deep and difficult challenges.  The moments where I lamented whether or not I was adequate as a mother.  Let alone someone so gifted and uniquely touched by God.  

I don’t know what you were going to be when you grew up.  I knew it was going to be something incredible. Everyone who met you knew that God had big plans for your life. But what we thought, even planned for your life, was not what God planned for you.  His plan for you was to touch everyone you met in your near 13 years.  Then to take you back home to Him. I feel like that life was too short, but I know that God timed your life perfectly.  Even though I know that to be the truth, that God had your days counted in His perfect ways, but that doesn’t bring me comfort.  I still miss you.  

What I do know is that I am so grateful that I am the one who got to be called mommy by your sweet voice.  To hold your hand, wipe your tears, kiss your hurts and your new freckles.  Even in your death I thank God for you.


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