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Military Wife PTSD

April 18, 2013

I thought when my Love came home that things would be better.  In many ways they are.  But in many ways they are worse.  And not for the reasons you would imagine.

They are worse because i can now see how hard i have been on myself.

When my Love was deployed i did everything i could to keep afloat.  And everyday i felt i had failed.  Completely.  I started having massive anxiety attacks and feeling generally incapable of handling any stress.  I thought this would all change when he returned.

What i wasnt anticipating was how long it would take for me to feel better.

My Love has been home for 5 months but the other week a picture came up on my news feed of a mountain range in Afghanistan and i felt dizzy.  It was just a picture.  But enough to scare me.  Or the other day when i dropped of my Love at his work and i stopped breathing when i saw the tan uniform.  Or worse, just some guys piling out of a van and 2 of them in their green cadpad with tan boots!  Only the boots and it was enough for me to stop and need to remind myself to breath.

I feel very weak and scared.  I have sought out help because i dont think this is normal.  I tried scouring blogs of military wives, but i havent been able to find anyone who struggles with this.  Or at least anyone willing to admit it.  I feel lost among those women who find even their husband’s dog tags attractive.

I am not one of these women.

In fact, for about 2 months after my Love’s return to work i could barely look at him in uniform.  It made me uneasy.

I am madly and deeply in love with a man whose career doesnt easily separate from his identity.  He is the man whose heart is so big that he will give of himself well past the point that causes him pain.  He doesnt understand the concept of giving in.  He will be the first one in and the last one out EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Even if it means he risks everything to do so.  (Dont believe me?  He has broken bones and tried to keep going just so he doesnt let anyone down.)

So am i really the only one who seems to be completely lost after the return of her Hero?  Where does the military wife go for help when the ‘job’ is just too much?

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