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March 20, 2013

A few weeks ago i was really struggling with being at peace with all the turmoil we are experiencing.  I was feeling disconnected and confused.  There is much hurt and time lost between my husband and myself that it felt like it was all consuming.  I had reached the end of the rope emotionally.  And that is when i decided that i didnt have to feel this way. I could choose to believe that everything would be better eventually.  I didnt have to let everything internally and externally dictate how i responded.  I CHOSE to be happy, to focus differently on joy.  Even if that means i am just pretending and acting happy.  Because i know that if i pretend long enough, it will become real.

Who can understand the human heart?
    There is nothing else so deceitful;
    it is too sick to be healed.

God knows that i am suffering!  I dont need to hide that from anyone.  But I can, in my pain, have Joy.  My heart isnt always truthful.  It can lead me astray.  I hear the old words writen on my heart.  And forget that I have been made new, with new words. My heart wants to tell me that i am stuck here forever!!  But that is not even close to the truth.  I wont be here at this painful spot forever,

Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning.  

This is just a season.  It isnt permanent. I can trust and know that God has the best plan in place.  I dont have foresight into God’s plan.

Hardship and suffering will bring about new fruit (Hebrews 12:11).  I know we have a long way to go before we will be truly reconnected, but it WILL come!  It has taken quite a long time for me to see this and accept it.  And for the longest time i couldnt understand what God was trying to teach me in this difficult process.  Maybe there isnt a lesson.  Maybe my life needed pruning so that i could bare healthy fruit.  I dont know yet, because i am not far enough into this process to be able to have any hindsight.

I suffered.  A lot. In such a way that i was unsure if i would ever feel whole again while i was enduring it.  I still dont know.  What i do know is that God wants our lives to be changed.  And changed I have been.

Slowly, over time, i will unpack all that i experienced so that in the future i will be able to see God’s goodness.

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