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March 19, 2013

What happened?  How did so much go right yet we feel so wrong?

There are some out there who live this life with great gusto.  They embrace the moves and the deployments and feel like this life is the best life!  

I do not.  This is HARD!!!  Maybe it is just me.  But I don’t seem to adapt well to this.  Maybe it was the circumstances in which everything happened.  Husband gone, pregnant, move, move again, bad birth… and a downward spiral.  I am told that I might be too hard on myself.  That the  reason why I had so much difficulty was not my fault and completely beyond my control.

Maybe.  

Although I can say that intellectually, in my heart I still feel like I let the love of my life down.  He assures me that I did not fail him. At all.  Yet I see how we are struggling.  I feel I am to blame.  Even though I watch him at night dreaming horrible dreams and I know i have no control over them.  The only thing I can do is wake him, hold him and pray for him.

Some how I feel like it is all my fault.

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